Tuesday, November 6, 2007

    The big reveal

    I'll tell you what these things are as long as everyone promises not to tell Dick Cheney and George Bush. I don't want to give them any ideas. Feel free, however, to pass these along to the producers of Saw V, Saw VI and Saw MCMXXVIII.

    1. Grout line tool (note: we may have made up this name): used to remove mortar from between tiles before you grout, or the "glue" that goes between tiles to hold them together, as opposed to mortar, which is the "glue" that goes beneath tiles to keep them on the floor.

    2. Hack saw: cuts metal.

    3. Prybar: for prying...things.

    4. The Persuader.

    5. Jig saw: to make detailed or circular cuts.

    6. Air compressor: for shooting your eye out (or powering #7).

    7. Nail gun: the scariest of all scaries, especially when the nails are four inches long.

    8. Skill saw: makes straight cuts.

    9. TORTURE DEVICE. Remember how we're sans functioning toilet? This thing is murder. Also problematic — its potential application for water boarding.

    10. Inside corner trowel: for drywall joint compound.

    11. Notched trowel: for applying thin-set tile mortar.

    12. Jack plane: for shaving away wood.

    13. Caulk gun: will come in handy for shooting caulk at our baseboards when they get unruly.

    14. Drill gun: Oh-so-many applications. Screwing, unscrewing, tightening, multiple's very useful.

    I think the lesson from this is that anything can be a torture device — the right mindset is all it takes.

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